It has been a long while since I have been here. Over a month I think or maybe pretty close to it. A lot has happened that I really don't want to talk about seeing as how I always jinx myself and plus it's buried for now. I don't want to dig it back up. Anyway if all goes well I can get an apartment in Vandalia which is close to Dayton and close to D. Yeah, we're still together after calling it off three times. All of which weren't my choice, but you know. I get really nervous after every time I leave now though because I mean it was three weeks in a row that he said we need time apart. I just don't want it to happen again or at least not for a long time because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I look like the fucking idiot you know. It's okay though. I'm always fine.

I'm just ready to get out of here and start my own life.

I wish this feeling would go away. It's like a fist in my stomach. It's like there is something eating away at me. Well there is actually. I just want this conflict over with. I don't want to keep wondering and waiting. I'm sick of asking questions and getting no answers. I want to be able to just smile. I want to feel like I'm free. I don't know what that feels like. I never have.

Mom is of no help. She told me he pulled my Internet because I need to get out and socialize with people. What the fuck? I work in a restaurant and I went to school. Um...hello. I like to be by myself. Was I bothering him? No so he needs to take the fucking stick shoved up his ass out and open up his damn eyes. Mom also said that he expects more from me than he does Dennis and Audrey just like Dad does. She said I seem to have it all together. What the hell is wrong with people? Look at me. Seriously take one fucking look and me and you'll see that I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Why are people always looking at me to be the better person and to do the right thing? I have been stuck between walls for my entire life and I want them demonlished. I'll be who I want to be and do what I want to do. Do not expect anything from me. You'll know when it happens if I do it so fucking back the hell off already. Why do I have to be a dependable person? Where in the hell did I get my morals from? No seriously...I wonder because no one in my family really has too many of them, yet I am overloaded. I guess that is what makes me so put together. Oh you're a nice person. You're sweet. You're just so cute. Well it's nice you think that, but is that all I am to anyone? I just...I want this to go away. I want to go get some boxes and pack up my things already. I just don't have anywhere to go and no one to depend on. I feel so alone.

And the D situation...what I don't know what in the fuck is going on. I didn't talk to him at all yesterday. I just waited for my phone to ring. He's probably busy with work and saying just fuck it. It wouldn't be the first time a guy didn't want to mess with me. When one button pops off they all do.

God damn fucking shit...I don't know what to do.

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Like my father always says...I don't know what is wrong with people these days. I was going to go to senior recognition last night but another situation went down and so I stayed home and cried in bed. I have done so much crying since Friday that you would think I'd be a prune right now. Nope. Nada...the tears are still coming. I hate crying. People say it makes you feel better, but it makes me feel worse. It doesn't accomplish anything for me. I can't stop myself though. I feel them coming and I can't hold them back anymore. They trickle out anyway. Another thing I am helpless to.

Steve says that I play games which is hilarious because the only games I have played are along with him. He messes with people's heads. Take Mom for instance...she doesn't do much thinking for herself anymore. It's always Steve on her shoulder telling her what she should do. He had the nerve to lie to Mom and tell her that I never asked him if he wanted any cake on Sunday at my graduation party. Okay...hold on one fucking minute. I went outside three times delivering cake and asked if anyone wanted any. He never said one fucking word. Mom can ask, Audrey, Debbie, Brian, Randy, Uncle Dean, and Grandpa. He fucking lied. Mom said he always thinks someone is out to get him. I laughed through my tears and asked her what kind of power did I have to ruin him or even do something to him? The only thing I can do is call him an asshole and that doesn't even get me anywhere so I don't know what in the hell he's talking about. He hates me for some reason. He actually told Mom that I was too smart. Maybe that's his problem. He thinks I'm smarter than him and he's making a big deal about it. Well I don't feel smart and he should be proud of himself for making me feel stupid. I hate that fucker so much...yesterday I just wanted to pack some bags and leave. I want out of here so bad.

Last night I went to bed early because it's not like I had anything else to do and Dad called me. He wants me to look for an apartment. I told him that I didn't have the money to move out and he said not to worry about it. He told me that he knows I'm not happy as long as I live here and he wants me to be happy so to look for a nice apartment and he'd pay for everything and get the Internet hooked up which made me laugh through my tears. That makes me feel bad because I don't want him to do that. I want to feel like I'm being independent and contributing to my life, but he said not to worry about it. Right now I just need to focus on my life and not what anyone else thinks. I know Steve will say that I still won't have any responsibility and that I'm a loafer. If I'm on my own then I don't have anyone lingering around her telling me that I'm wrong or stupid and they can't take anything away from me. I'm afraid that if I do leave then they won't let me take anything with me. I'm afraid that they will take my car. I know I won't have a bed or any other furniture or appliances. I really won't have anything but clothes, shoes, a computer, books, a bookshelf, and an in-table from the house we built a long time ago. I want to leave so bad though. I just want to be free. I want to pull up the anchor that holds me here and say I'm done for good. I know it would be like running away, but I'd be calling it off. I don't want to play Steve's game anymore. I think six years is too long even for Monopoly.

I am so stressed out. I keep getting sick and all I want to do is sleep. I can't fall asleep though. I just lay there staring at the ceiling. I can't eat anything. I'm just not hungry. I have no nails anymore. I bit them all off. He shouldn't be allowed to make me feel this way, but I can't help it. Fear and frustration are eating away at me and I am left helpless. The only cure is to just leave. I want so bad to say goodbye.

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So I haven't been here for awhile. One word. Steve. Okay...maybe a few more words. Stupid fucking shithead Steve. I'm on my mom's computer right now because Steve somehow turned only my DSL off. He did have this one off this morning, but the fucker thinks I'm stupid. He thinks I don't know what goes where. It's weird though because I know the cables are plugged in yet my computer is still saying that a cable is disconnected. I can't start my online classes if the asshole doesn't turn it back on. I need to sign up for those asap so I can have something to do over the summer. Mom said he thinks I'm just going to loaf. Well open your eyes jackass. I want out of here and in order to move I need money so hello...I'm going to work my fucking ass off. I really hate him. He is the only person I can honestly say that about. I have never felt so much anger toward a person in my life. He only did it because it was my graduation and Mom wasn't giving him enough attention. He has treated me like shit for the last six years. I think the least they could do is pay another car payment on my car until Dad pays it off. Mom told me the other day that I was ungrateful. Um...yeah hello what the fuck have you two given me that I even asked or? I didn't ask for a car, a CD player for it, new hubcaps, or even a new fucking computer yet I should feel like I asked for them all. I didn't. They gave it to me without even asking me what I wanted. They said my graduation present was my computer. They fucking gave that to me last July. They are giving me something they already gave me. That is not a fucking gift. And college...I have to pay for my own way. I say thank you but I guess that isn't enough. What more am I supposed to do? I think saying it everyday would get old. Mom told me we had to work it out but that is not possible when one person has his head shoved so far up his own ass that he can't even see himself anymore. Every time I try and talk I "have an attitude". Every time I try and talk he interrupts and talks louder. You can't say a word without getting jumped on about it. Even if you just say "a" he's fucking all over you about it. Like I came home on Sunday to get ready for graduation and Mom greated me at the door. Steve was standing at the garage waiting to go in to see if I got an attitude. I'm not stupid fucker. He already makes my life hell and I can't do anything about it. He doesn't want anyone to be happy. I got a boyfriend and he does something to ruin my happiness. The next thing I know he'll be telling me I can't go see him. Well he's not my father. He's not my step dad either. He's my mother's husband. That is how it has always been and that is how it will always be. He is nothing but that for the simple fact that he is an arrogant asshole. It's funny that he says that I have no responsibility. Well who is the one who just let their kids go because of their mother and his third ex-wife? Who is the one who signed his rights about to his first two kids and let the other three go because someone told them something that wasn't true? He didn't even try. Sometimes it's best to just keep your dick in your pants or at least fucking own up to your offspring. They deserve that much.

I feel really out of control right now. I don't know what I'm doing with D or here. I'm bored out of my mind. I can only watch so many DVDs in one day. My Direct TV isn't even working anymore. If he thinks doing this is going to get me out of the house, he's wrong. I'm still here aren't I? I have no other choice. There is nowhere for me to go. If he thinks doing this is going to motivate me to do things, he's wrong. I already carry my weight around the house. How does he get clothes to put on or dishes to eat off of that he doesn't even put in the dishwasher when it's fucking empty. He is the one who does nothing around here but point out what other people are doing wrong. It reminds me of Dad back in the day. He comes home, sits on his ass, drinks his 20th Pepsi of the day, smokes a cig, and watches you. He does nothing to help out around the house. He doesn't like how some things are done. Well if you don't like it then fucker do it yourself. I don't care if he works all day. So does Mom and she still does shit. What in the fuck is wrong with some men these days? And he thinks I'm lazy. I'll show you lazy jackass. All he has to do is look in the mirror.

You know the funny thing is I didn't even do a damn thing to get things taken away.

Stewy was at school today. He never said a word to me, but he was nice. I asked William to get my bag for me since I couldn't get out of my desk but Stewy got it instead. He poked me in the side and I said stop it. He never said a word. He just looked at me the whole day. You know I don't even want to know what he's thinking. All I want is for him to let me go. I burnt my box so he can cut the ropes. It's over. It was never anything but a cover-up friendship which we used to hide what we were really thinking. I'm with D now. I think Stewy just realizes that there are no more chances for him. He should've never gotten two. The first time I was unassuming and the second time I was a dumbass. My bad, but it's done now. I've been over it. Even though I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty. Why? I do because he's sad because of me. Now I know that sounds horrible, but think about it. He realizes that there are no more possibilties for him and me. He realizes that he is the one who fucked up and he's angry with himself. This is just what I'm guessing. Either way he has a girlfriend and he doesn't need me. I don't need him either. Right now I'm testing the waters with D and I'm fine with what I have. I don't need drama right now.

Anywho...his sweetness just blows me away. This morning he texted me to say "morning sleepy head." lol I thought it was sweet. He wants me to spend the night with him the Saturday after next so I can go to his graduation party on Sunday, but I can't because I have work. Well unless I quit Wills but I can't do that yet. I don't start babysitting until June 20 something. Even then I'm not sure if I can quit. I don't know how much they're planning on paying me. Mom told me the guy was supposed to call me sometime this week.

I'm not going to school tomorrow since I have graduation practice. It would be stupid for me to go to school for only an hour and then leave. I mean I'm not wasting my gas. It doesn't matter if I'm not there anyway. We're not doing a damn thing in any class.

I'm just really bored right now. I don't get Direct TV anymore but Mom and Steve do. The freaking company is being a dickhead. I can only watch so many DVDs in one day people!

Grief, I need something to do.

One word.

Bored.

I have nothing whatsoever to do. Okay...well I could be sweeping out my car which doesn't sound like all that bad of an idea. It's really nice outside and I could use the tan...or burn actually. My fair skin could use some color even if it starts out pink.

At seven I do have to go to an awards banquet at the school. I get the principal's award from CTC. I don't even know what the cirteria was to get it. I just know the south building principal is giving it to me at Ansonia tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. I hate these kinds of things. At least Mom is actually going and I don't have to be by myself.

Sunday is graduation. I'm nervous about it. Gary is letting me off at 12 which isn't cool because I have to be at the school at like 1:15. Which only gives me an hour to take a shower and get ready. I still have to go buy white shoes and a khaki skirt. Fun, fun. Okay not really. Anywho my graduation party for Mom's side is right after graduation at 3:15. D is coming. We're going to the drive-in afterward. I'm nervous about him meeting my family. They can be intense, especially my mom. My Dad will be here for a little while. At least he better. I'm going to make him stay for at least a few minutes to meet him. I'm not really worried that they won't like him. I like him so that's all that really matters.

I told the sobriety checkpoint story at school today and everyone kept saying it was funny. Okay, so maybe to them it was but I was nervous as hey. My advanced math teacher even laughed. She said it was funny because I wasn't guilty yet they stopped me. Not so cool people.

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So last night was interesting. It was nice though. We pretty much spent the first hour and a half standing around until they got ahold of someone to get beer for them. They took my car and we went to his friends house. Everyone else was in the basement but we stood on the deck and talked. It was nice. He wouldn't drink while I was there either which was a sweet thing to do. We walked to my car and hugged for maybe half a minute when I was getting ready to leave. I let go first although I didn't want to. He was rubbing the small of my back and I love that. Anyway I got in my car and he was giving me directions on how to get home and he hugged me again and was aiming to kiss my cheek but he got my chin instead. lol Yeah, honestly I'm scared to actually kiss him on the lips but that's how I always am the first few times. He keeps telling me that he's afraid he's scaring me. He's so sweet though. He called me just to make sure that I was getting home okay and told me to call him if I needed help. After a few wrong turns and back-tracking I did finally manage to get home at 12:50.

I guess I have to go to senior recognition now since he's going. I said I didn't know if I was and he said I should since he's going. His parents are making him. We were texting today and he said he's the kind of person who moves fast and he's worried about it becoming a problem because he thinks I'm the kind of person who doesn't. In a way it's true, but I like to get a feel of the situation first. He wants to kiss me at school but I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. Seriously, I'll get teased about it for the rest of my life.

Also last night right off 49 I saw a ton of cop cars with their lights on as I was going home. So I'm driving and I slow down. I see a sign that says "Sobriety Check Point". I was like what in the hey? Anyway they let the van in front of me go and they see me and automatically hold up the stop sign. I was like shit. I roll down my window and this is how the conversation went.

Why is all of this "stuff" happening? Why are so many young people I know dying? Three of them have. My brother-in-law's best friend died last week and then Thursday night my sister's friend who is her ex died in a car accident. He fell out of the bed of his truck and then an old woman ran him over. It's horrible. He has a son only one month older than Landyn. I don't understand. Audrey called me yesterday morning and told me. When she said Nathan I thought she was talking about another Nathan she dated. I didn't know what to say to her. I just thought 'Oh my God'. I kept saying it. I wish I had something I could say to Audrey to make her feel better, and even if I did it wouldn't work. She's pretty bad. In the last two years four people she and I have known have died and three of them died in the last two months. It's crazy and it's sad. It makes me worry. None of us are immune to dying. It is the only thing we are supposed to do and it freaks me out.

Anyway...so last night we decided to go out tonight. We were just going to the park to watch the stars but he texted me and now we're going to the movies with his sister and some friends. He's so sweet it's unreal. I don't know him well enough to know if he's just saying it to get on my good side or what. Either way it's still sweet. I told him Ashley asked if he really was like that and I told her I didn't know which he answered that he really is. I guess we're officially dating now. We weren't going to go out on a date until the week after we're out of school but he said he really wanted to spend time together this weekend so I agreed. We're going out after he gets off work. I don't know where it's going, but I guess I'll find out. He texted me yesterday and said he really liked me and hoped we worked out. I said he was sweet and he said 'oh yeah well you're beautiful'. I don't know. I feel like it's going faster than I want it to.

I'm just bored right now waiting for it to be 6:30 so I can go take a shower and get ready. I'm giving myself an hour to get ready and I have to leave by 7:30 anyway because it'll probably take an hour to get there. It all depends on if I get behind a slow person or not. Plus I have to take a detour since they're working on an entrance ramp.

Grief, I need something to do. I was trying to sleep but he kept messaging me and then the stupid neighbor kid was revving his stupid motorcycle. I was like can't a girl get some damn sleep? Oh and last night...yeah C called me. Yeah, out of nowhere he just calls at like 12 something. It was close to one. Anyway I was out of it and asked who it was and he said it's your guy from Florida. He's not my guy from Florida. He's just C. This comes at a really bad time. I still want to visit him this summer, but now that I have a guy thing going on, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to see where this situation goes. That's all I really can do anyway.

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He tired to hug me today. The keyword is tried. It was like a half hug. It felt awkward because we were in people's way and he just kind of grabbed me. He's nice and solid though. lol He sent me an email and told me I needed to work on my hugs. I thought it was hilarious. He just caught me off guard although I figured he was going to do it since he asked me last night if he could. We talked for like 47 minutes. It was nice. He's a cool guy. Plus he kept saying that he thought I was beautiful. lol I cracked up laughing, but he's sweet. I like his personality.

Today in lab all I did was play Counter Strike and talk to him in email. I suck at Counter Strike. I am always one of the first people to get killed although I do have my good times when I kill one of the guys who is really good at it.

I have to watch Landyn so I'm out.

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Sometimes people's honesty blows me away. What in the hey? Like why do people ask some questions? Some things are just personal you know. I appreciate hoensty, but I wasn't expecting it. It's all good. He still wants to get to know me so it's all good. I thought once I answered he'd be like aw hell no, but he's cool. We talked through email during most of lab today. I told him he should feel special that I called him kid so now he said he doesn't mind if I call him that. Yay. lol Stewy is jealous as hey though. He kept poking me and I told him to stop so he said I wanted someone else to poke me. The stupid punk. He had two chances when any other guy would have had zero. He has no right to be jealous. He blew it. Then again he was like this when Josh liked me. I'm not his and I'm tired of waiting. I burnt the box and he knows that. He asked if it was like burning bridges and I said yeah. His face still flashes in my head when he heard that. I told him I did what I had to do. I don't need to worry about it anymore. I'll still miss him though.

I bought two cameras today to take pictures before high school is over for good. It's going to feel empty without everyone. I probably won't see any of them again until we have a reunion or something. I feel myself trying to cling to memories and minutes. I want to leave, but then again I don't. I hate missing.

I finally bought Story of the Year's CD and Yellowcard's CD today. They're pretty good so far. I haven't gotten a chance to listen to them straight through.

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